On benzodiazepines, Etizolam, and other things

My first few blog posts are going to describe chemicals I have already tried. I find this pretty boring to write about, so I’ll be fairly brief. But it’s part of the journey I intend to describe, and this is an outlet for me as much as for anyone else. After a few posts, I’ll get to the present day, and from then on I’ll write about events and experiences as and when they happen. I have quite a few chemicals to try!

Before I continue, I will clarify exactly what I intend to gain from any substances and from these chemical experiments:

1. A quick fix, and the ability to cope with specific situations that scare me. I have immediate concerns, things that utterly terrify me. Perhaps I need to make a phone call, organise something, or maybe family friends or distant relatives are coming to visit that I may be required to interact with. These things elicit a whole lot of fear in me. Can I simply pop a pill to make it go away?
2. Exposure therapy. This seems to be considered the only way to permanently reduce a person’s social phobia. I need to go out in public and gain some (…positive…?) experiences around other people. Can any chemical help me “get out there”?

A quick fix would be useful to help me in the here and now. But in the long term, to abolish my fears, I need to somehow become unafraid and confident when among other humans. This will only come by changing my beliefs and thought patterns.

The Benzodiazepines

I started experimenting with chemicals about six months ago. The first substances I tried were the benzodiazepines. Think Valium or Xanax (a.k.a Diazepam, Alprazolam). These are anxiolytics, medicines which supposedly kill anxiety.

Benzodiazepines – or benzos for short – appear to be considered the “gold standard” for social anxiety. Look around social anxiety discussion forums and you’ll find people who claim taking them (temporarily) obliterates their fears, giving them the confidence to go out partying or whatever other crazy and peculiar things these humans want to do. You’ll also find dire tales of dependence, addiction, and terrible withdrawal symptoms.

To avoid dependence I have never taken a benzodiazepine for more than two days in a row, and always with at least a week between uses.

Here in the UK, most commonly prescribed benzos are “Class C” controlled substances; available with a doctor’s prescription, but illegal to posses otherwise. Apparently, these little pills can make you feel rather happy (even euphoric) and are thus frowned upon by all proper and righteous citizens.

If the internet is to believed, unlike in America, it’s also fairly uncommon for UK based doctors to even want to prescribe these for social anxiety, with antidepressants and such being their first port of call. At any rate, I don’t intend to visit a doctor, and I’m also quite reluctant to break any laws.

Luckily, there is an answer: Research chemicals.

Research Chemicals

“Research chemicals” constitute a wide area of not-medically-tested substances, ostensibly sold for scientific research (“Not For Human Consumption!” is written on the packet), but in reality developed for recreational use as alternatives to controlled substances. “Legal highs”, as the panic stricken conservative media call them. It seems to be a booming business. Yay capitalism.

I have acquired and experimented with the following research benzos:

• Pyrazolam
• Diclazepam
• Flubromazepam
• Etizolam (actually, a “thienodiazepine” not a benzodiazepine, but the effects appear to be similar)

The effects from each were roughly similar, with only minor variations. I decided to stick to Etizolam for the majority of my experimentation because, apart from it being one of the more effective, it is also a legitimate medication in some European countries. So safer, perhaps.

My (summarised) experiences with Etizolam

These came in the form of little blue 1mg tablets.

When testing anything, I always try a microscopic amount of the substance as an allergy test. Then I leave it a day or so to ensure no obvious bad effects, before gradually increasing the dosage over further trials.

Test 1

For my first real test with Etizolam I slowly took 1.5mg (one and a half tablets) spread over a period of around ~5 hours. At some point during this, I tested the effects by going on the Omegle.com “talk to a random stranger” text chat service. I managed a happy, comfortable text chat with a stranger. This is, however, something I have managed before, though never feeling quite as comfortable while doing so. I did not feel like turning on the web camera, which would be a crucial test of a substance. The prospect of video chatting with a total stranger remained terrifying.

Negative effects experienced included weak feeling limbs, and instability when walking around. Typing was a bit hard, with some trouble focussing on the keys. A mild, but not unpleasant, prickling in the head was felt as the effects took hold.

Test 2

Some relatives who I’ve known since childhood, but don’t see very often, were coming to visit the family in the evening. Prior to this, I felt quite nervous all day. Trepidation, worry, what will I talk to them about?

I took half a tablet (0.5mg) of Etizolam approximately 2 hours 30 minutes before they were due to arrive.

This significantly decreased the trepidatory anxiety, and I generally idled around playing videogames until they came. (n.b. It’s possible at some point I took another 0.5mg, I don’t remember and my notes here aren’t detailed).

I can’t conclusively say if there was a clear positive effect while I attempted socialisation. I vaguely think I may have made more conversation than usual, feeling a little more relaxed than I otherwise would have. I stayed with the visitors the whole time, rather than quickly disappearing back to my lair which is the more common behaviour for me when people visit. I was, however, in no way confident. I still felt nervous and unsure if I was saying the right thing. I certainly felt more than a little unstable on my feet, occasionally swaying if I didn’t focus. Hope I didn’t appear drunk.

Test 3

It’s a family member’s birthday, and I am obliged to go to the cinema with them. I feel nervous and apprehensive. (For reference, I have in the past managed to go to the cinema accompanied, though there is a lot of fear, a panic in my stomach, which doesn’t subside until I am in the seat and the lights have dimmed. It’s something I really do not like doing. I have never been to a cinema alone).

I take 0.5mg Etizolam about two and a half hours before the film is due to start.

By 45 minutes later, I definitely feel happier about the prospect of going out. Most of the trepidation is gone. I do feel a little out of sorts though, slightly fuzzy, a little drunk. And a little unstable on my feet; legs feeling floaty when sitting down, and some minor difficulty typing.

So maybe this really does have an effect when faced with a big amount of anticipatory stress?

It’s worth noting I still don’t want to go to the cinema, I would much rather stay at home; it hasn’t fired me up for going out in any way. In fact, what I would like to do most of all is simply sit on my bed, play games, and chill out. If my family wasn’t expecting me to accompany them, I definitely would not leave the house. The Etizolam is just making me care a bit less, and feel a bit happier.

I feel a little spaced out. I probably should not ever drive on this substance.

I also took 20mg propranolol 1 hour before I arrived at the cinema. More on propranolol in a later post; it has some small extra beneficial effect.

At the cinema, I certainly felt better than I usually would have. Not fearless at all, not sociable, but a little less stressed and a little more happy.

The peak effect of Etizolam was about 1 – 1.5 hours after taking, so in the future I should probably time it so I am at any “event” at the one hour mark. I had a feeling the effects were slightly lessening by the 2 hour mark, though it might just be because the stress was greater then.

I still remained fairly chilled and happy after exiting the cinema, a full five hours after the initial dose. I almost felt like going for a wander around this largely quiet and deserted area of town.

Benzodiazepine Conclusions

I have tried Etizolam and various other/actual benzos.

(Pyrazolam I found useless as it made me unsteady but did not seem to kill anxiety at all. Diclazepam sort of helped, and I would probably try again if I didn’t have access to Etizolam. Flubromazepam I didn’t really try in high enough quantities, and also avoided due to it apparently having a several hour “come up” time and being extremely long lasting.)

I experimented primarily with Etizolam.

I find it a useful tool for major fear, especially when I have no need to go anywhere or perform any physical activity – perhaps visitors are coming and it’s okay for me to relax in a chair. I have used Etizolam multiple times since discovering them, to take the edge off of a stressful situation – most recently before a visit to the dentist.

Unfortunately the effects are nowhere near powerful enough for my requirements. At higher doses, my movements are impaired and I start falling over. I wouldn’t want to be in public or have to socialise on a strong dose. They are no magic solution and as a tool to help me seriously tackle my phobia or attempt any kind of exposure therapy I consider them useless. They simply do not take enough of the fear away, or make me want to socialise in any fashion.

I would love to try Xanax in the future, as some people consider it as one of the most effective benzos, being less tranquillising than others, but its illegality without a prescription is deterring me for now.