Struggle on, social phobics. Struggle on.

I haven’t been updating this blog.

I started writing with the idea of documenting the many different chemicals that I try on my social phobia journey.

The truth is, I’ve kind of given up on a chemical solution. I’ve come to believe there probably isn’t one.

I’ve been forcing myself to go out more. But that kind of exposure therapy is slow. And unpleasant. In some ways I may have improved, in others, I regress.

If I ever come close to “curing” my social phobia, I’ll write about it here. But I’m far less hopeful than when I started out. I think what’s probably needed is to throw myself in the deep end somewhere. To take to the road, go out into the world; a trial by fire. But that would be very unpleasant. Maybe one day I will find the courage.

Here’s a brief summary of some other substances I have tried, and discarded.

Methiopropamine (MPA) is a stimulant. A dose of about 5 – 6 mg increased my desire to “go out”. It put me near my best, in terms of motivation. When out for a walk, I felt less concerned about the gaze of other people upon me. On the negative side, a dose high enough to have any useful effect also gave an unpleasant feeling of being “wired”, a nervous energy as if I had too much adrenaline pumping around, and needed to get up and run around. Due to these negative feelings, along with reading about certain potential negative effects of stronger stimulants, I haven’t used this chemical much. The effects at this fairly low dose were minimally useful anyway.

AMT, alpha-methyltryptamine is some kind of psychedelic and stimulant, once a Soviet anti-depressant. Doses around 2 – 4 mg gave me increased talkativeness with my close family (this was quite interesting to experience having never tried a drug that gave that effect before). I found myself engaging and maintaining more conversation than usual. I found myself enjoying posting on internet forums more and feeling more engaged there too. Mild feelings of warmth towards these anonymous people. However, I don’t believe it gave me any increase in sociability among strangers while out and about, or any reduction in fear. At the higher dose of 4mg it felt like a mild benzo with a bit of head fuzziness, and some similar relaxation.

I don’t believe this gave me any genuine happiness though, despite its purported use once as an anti-depressant. Ultimately, the fuzziness at higher doses caused me to halt further experimentation. It’s something that might be useful at small doses while interacting with people I am already familiar with. I probably won’t use it again though.

Piracetam, no noticeable effects, I’m not sure this stuff is anything more than placebo effect and nootropic marketing. Admittably, I didn’t try it over a long period.

Kratom (“Sumatra/Indo White Vein”). Tasted awful and nearly made me sick just swallowing it. 1.5 teaspoons gave a slight feeling of being unsteady while walking, prickliness in the head, along with queasiness. I hate feeling sick so did not try any higher dose.

Phenibut. 2 grams over a few hours gave me a similar feeling to a mild benzo. Mild relaxation but also significant brain fog and unsteadiness on feet. Might be useful if benzos were ever unavailable. The negative effects mean it’s not really useful for me. (As with benzos, it seems a high enough dose to take away any significant amount of my fear would likely also incapacitate me.)

Modafinil. Narcolepsy drug, promoter of alertness. 50 – 100 mg taken EARLY in the morning. This is an interesting substance that really needs a post of its own. I tried it originally for reasons of motivation, lack of desire to work (perhaps due to mild depression). However, I found it does also have a small useful benefit for my social phobia. It seems to reduce unnecessary thoughts and mind wandering. Focusses the mind. A lot of social phobia is running through bad thoughts in your head. So, when going out and about I felt a little less fear. However the negative side of this is feeling slightly robot like. It doesn’t make you more sociable or interested in engaging with people, rather it makes you care less about the fact that you don’t engage with people.

So, an interesting substance. The effects, however, like all these substances, seem only slightly useful. Actually, what Modafinil is best for (and kills at) is what it is prescribed for: combating narcolepsy, that is, obliterating tiredness. Taking it fairly early in the morning one day I still often found myself struggling to sleep at 4am the next morning.

Another interesting effect is that it enables you to get through boring situations easier, somehow reducing the unpleasantness of boredom. I may use it in the future for this purpose. I’ve read that some people in very dull repetitive jobs have used it to help them get through the day. It’s not that it makes the boring situation more enjoyable, rather, it makes you more… robot-like. Focussed on the task at hand. Or, if there is no task, simply more focussed on the present moment, with less idle thoughts and mind wandering.

An end to my chemical adventures

I may not post again here. I’ve tried various substances, and most gave only mild beneficial effect, and at higher doses gave negative effects that far outweighed any benefits. With most substances, the negative effect is an amount of unsteadiness and drunkenness that prevents any useful functioning.

Propranolol is by far the most useful substance I’ve tried, as it gives a small reduction of blind fear while not dulling the mind or causing unsteadiness in any way. I’ll likely use benzos such as Etizolam very occasionally to dull the edge of any forced social situations. But neither of these are wonder drugs.

I have some other substances I considered trying; other legal stimulants and even more mind-altering type things. However, given my lack of success so far, and generally risk averse nature, I don’t think I’ll try any more.

On a really bad day, I do wonder what it might be like to trip on some psychedelic or fall down a K-hole. Maybe I’ll try such things one day. Some social phobics have credited substances like psilocybin mushrooms and LSD and MDMA as giving them life changing experiences. I’d particularly like to try MDMA, as the risks seem fairly modest, however I’m not going to risk purchasing any illegal substances at this time. (I already disposed of my tiny amount of AMT since it will shortly be made illegal here in the UK).

I’ll struggle on.

There will be bad days, and worse days, and really truly awful days, where I feel like a freak and a failure, a broken genetic experiment, a failed evolutionary pathway that should probably just accept itself as such and take the quick route out.

But for now, at least, I’ll struggle on.

Dear reader, if you have social phobia, have a virtual hug on me. And struggle on, too.

Beta blockers / propranolol for social phobia and panic

Propranolol has a small beneficial effect for me. Much like Etizolam, it’s another slightly useful tool to have.

Propranolol is a beta blocker, a chemical which can block the physical symptoms of anxiety (fast heartbeat, sweating) and reduce the fight or flight response. It’s commonly used off label by musicians, public speakers, and others, for performance anxiety.

Some socially anxious people claim propranolol to be highly effective. It’s likely these are people with a strong physical manifestation of their anxiety (panic attacks etc).

Since it can affect the heart this is probably something which a sensible person would check with their doctor before taking.

In the UK, this is a “prescription only” medication with no recreational potential. While sellers of this medication are required to ask for a valid prescription, it is legal to possess without one. Purchasing from abroad allows you to bypass the prescription requirement. (I believe there are some restrictions on buying very large amounts from abroad.)

I ordered 10mg Ciplar branded tablets from an Indian pharmacy.

Dosages

Researching the various social anxiety forums, suggested doses vary widely, from 10mg up to 60mg or higher. Most people seem to use on the lower end of 10mg – 30mg. Taking too high a dose might cause tiredness, or even slow the heart dangerously.

Test 1

I took 10mg before going out to a supermarket with a family member. No noticeable effects. Usual feelings of stress, fear, overly conscious of people looking at me, and a desire to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Test 2

Took 20mg before going out to a firework display with family. Lots of people milling around; this type of environment is usually very stressful for me, though I can cope. It’s not as bad as the shopping centre, since it being in the dark is easier as fewer people can see my face, and I can find a view point and stay there without much other human interactions.

The effects were not hugely noticeable. The propranolol did not stop me having a slight panic in my stomach on the way there. However, I did act fairly relaxed as the evening progressed. At the end of the display, about 1 hour 45 mins after taking the propranolol, I was able to wander around a little by myself, without having my usual great desire to leave.

There were no noticeable negative effects. I felt tired at the end of the evening, but was fairly late so it was probably natural tiredness.

It seems this may have had some small effect, in making me more relaxed when in the heat of a semi-social situation. I think I need to try a higher dose, and in a more stressful situation where I am more visible by people.

Test 3

Took 30mg when going out to a shopping centre by myself, a highly stressful enterprise.

It’s hard to know for sure what the effects were, as they were subtle.

I’m fairly sure this did kill any panicky feelings in my stomach. There were no obvious twinges of fear as I walked around; I felt almost a little robot-like to be free of these physical sensations. I still worried, and wanted to get out of there, but there were no pure “flight” twinges of panic.

I felt very tired later in the evening, and lacking in energy, perhaps unnaturally so, and I also thought my arms felt a bit heavy when driving. So in the future I think I will stick to 20mg.

Conclusions

I have since used propranolol numerous times when going out places, generally in a 20mg dose.

Though far more subtle in its effects than a benzodiazepine, I find this to be more useful in a practical sense, since it does not impair me physically in any way (beyond some tiredness if I take too much.) I find it slightly reduces stress and relaxes me a little. It makes semi-stressful situations a little less so.

Much like Etizolam, however, it is not a magic solution. It does not reduce my mental fears at all nor does it motivate me in any way. It’s not a substance that will get me up from a depressed wallowing and inspire me to do anything outside of the house.

I have once or twice tried this in combination with small amounts of Etizolam, however the more noticeable effects of the Etizolam (especially the negative ones) tend to overshadow the propranolol, so it’s hard to know if the propranolol really adds anything there.

I should probably try 30mg or higher of propranolol again sometime, to see if the effects of tiredness are repeated, and in some more stressful environments, to see if the reductions in physical anxiety sensations are more pronounced.

I find propranolol to be another useful tool, which reduces the physical sensations of fear and anxiety.

Footnote: Propranolol and fear extinction

An interesting possibility raised for propranolol is in “fear extinction”:

“Animal studies have shown that fear memories can change when recalled, a process referred to as reconsolidation. We found that oral administration of the beta-adrenergic receptor antagonist propranolol HCl before memory reactivation in humans erased the behavioral expression of the fear memory 24 hr later and prevented the return of fear. Disrupting the reconsolidation of fear memory opens up new avenues for providing long-term cure for patients with emotional disorders.”

– from Beyond extinction: erasing human fear responses and preventing the return of fear

I did wonder if my simply going out in public on propranolol would work in a similar fashion, however if there has been any permanent benefit it is subtle enough for me to not have noticed.

On benzodiazepines, Etizolam, and other things

My first few blog posts are going to describe chemicals I have already tried. I find this pretty boring to write about, so I’ll be fairly brief. But it’s part of the journey I intend to describe, and this is an outlet for me as much as for anyone else. After a few posts, I’ll get to the present day, and from then on I’ll write about events and experiences as and when they happen. I have quite a few chemicals to try!

Before I continue, I will clarify exactly what I intend to gain from any substances and from these chemical experiments:

1. A quick fix, and the ability to cope with specific situations that scare me. I have immediate concerns, things that utterly terrify me. Perhaps I need to make a phone call, organise something, or maybe family friends or distant relatives are coming to visit that I may be required to interact with. These things elicit a whole lot of fear in me. Can I simply pop a pill to make it go away?
2. Exposure therapy. This seems to be considered the only way to permanently reduce a person’s social phobia. I need to go out in public and gain some (…positive…?) experiences around other people. Can any chemical help me “get out there”?

A quick fix would be useful to help me in the here and now. But in the long term, to abolish my fears, I need to somehow become unafraid and confident when among other humans. This will only come by changing my beliefs and thought patterns.

The Benzodiazepines

I started experimenting with chemicals about six months ago. The first substances I tried were the benzodiazepines. Think Valium or Xanax (a.k.a Diazepam, Alprazolam). These are anxiolytics, medicines which supposedly kill anxiety.

Benzodiazepines – or benzos for short – appear to be considered the “gold standard” for social anxiety. Look around social anxiety discussion forums and you’ll find people who claim taking them (temporarily) obliterates their fears, giving them the confidence to go out partying or whatever other crazy and peculiar things these humans want to do. You’ll also find dire tales of dependence, addiction, and terrible withdrawal symptoms.

To avoid dependence I have never taken a benzodiazepine for more than two days in a row, and always with at least a week between uses.

Here in the UK, most commonly prescribed benzos are “Class C” controlled substances; available with a doctor’s prescription, but illegal to posses otherwise. Apparently, these little pills can make you feel rather happy (even euphoric) and are thus frowned upon by all proper and righteous citizens.

If the internet is to believed, unlike in America, it’s also fairly uncommon for UK based doctors to even want to prescribe these for social anxiety, with antidepressants and such being their first port of call. At any rate, I don’t intend to visit a doctor, and I’m also quite reluctant to break any laws.

Luckily, there is an answer: Research chemicals.

Research Chemicals

“Research chemicals” constitute a wide area of not-medically-tested substances, ostensibly sold for scientific research (“Not For Human Consumption!” is written on the packet), but in reality developed for recreational use as alternatives to controlled substances. “Legal highs”, as the panic stricken conservative media call them. It seems to be a booming business. Yay capitalism.

I have acquired and experimented with the following research benzos:

• Pyrazolam
• Diclazepam
• Flubromazepam
• Etizolam (actually, a “thienodiazepine” not a benzodiazepine, but the effects appear to be similar)

The effects from each were roughly similar, with only minor variations. I decided to stick to Etizolam for the majority of my experimentation because, apart from it being one of the more effective, it is also a legitimate medication in some European countries. So safer, perhaps.

My (summarised) experiences with Etizolam

These came in the form of little blue 1mg tablets.

When testing anything, I always try a microscopic amount of the substance as an allergy test. Then I leave it a day or so to ensure no obvious bad effects, before gradually increasing the dosage over further trials.

Test 1

For my first real test with Etizolam I slowly took 1.5mg (one and a half tablets) spread over a period of around ~5 hours. At some point during this, I tested the effects by going on the Omegle.com “talk to a random stranger” text chat service. I managed a happy, comfortable text chat with a stranger. This is, however, something I have managed before, though never feeling quite as comfortable while doing so. I did not feel like turning on the web camera, which would be a crucial test of a substance. The prospect of video chatting with a total stranger remained terrifying.

Negative effects experienced included weak feeling limbs, and instability when walking around. Typing was a bit hard, with some trouble focussing on the keys. A mild, but not unpleasant, prickling in the head was felt as the effects took hold.

Test 2

Some relatives who I’ve known since childhood, but don’t see very often, were coming to visit the family in the evening. Prior to this, I felt quite nervous all day. Trepidation, worry, what will I talk to them about?

I took half a tablet (0.5mg) of Etizolam approximately 2 hours 30 minutes before they were due to arrive.

This significantly decreased the trepidatory anxiety, and I generally idled around playing videogames until they came. (n.b. It’s possible at some point I took another 0.5mg, I don’t remember and my notes here aren’t detailed).

I can’t conclusively say if there was a clear positive effect while I attempted socialisation. I vaguely think I may have made more conversation than usual, feeling a little more relaxed than I otherwise would have. I stayed with the visitors the whole time, rather than quickly disappearing back to my lair which is the more common behaviour for me when people visit. I was, however, in no way confident. I still felt nervous and unsure if I was saying the right thing. I certainly felt more than a little unstable on my feet, occasionally swaying if I didn’t focus. Hope I didn’t appear drunk.

Test 3

It’s a family member’s birthday, and I am obliged to go to the cinema with them. I feel nervous and apprehensive. (For reference, I have in the past managed to go to the cinema accompanied, though there is a lot of fear, a panic in my stomach, which doesn’t subside until I am in the seat and the lights have dimmed. It’s something I really do not like doing. I have never been to a cinema alone).

I take 0.5mg Etizolam about two and a half hours before the film is due to start.

By 45 minutes later, I definitely feel happier about the prospect of going out. Most of the trepidation is gone. I do feel a little out of sorts though, slightly fuzzy, a little drunk. And a little unstable on my feet; legs feeling floaty when sitting down, and some minor difficulty typing.

So maybe this really does have an effect when faced with a big amount of anticipatory stress?

It’s worth noting I still don’t want to go to the cinema, I would much rather stay at home; it hasn’t fired me up for going out in any way. In fact, what I would like to do most of all is simply sit on my bed, play games, and chill out. If my family wasn’t expecting me to accompany them, I definitely would not leave the house. The Etizolam is just making me care a bit less, and feel a bit happier.

I feel a little spaced out. I probably should not ever drive on this substance.

I also took 20mg propranolol 1 hour before I arrived at the cinema. More on propranolol in a later post; it has some small extra beneficial effect.

At the cinema, I certainly felt better than I usually would have. Not fearless at all, not sociable, but a little less stressed and a little more happy.

The peak effect of Etizolam was about 1 – 1.5 hours after taking, so in the future I should probably time it so I am at any “event” at the one hour mark. I had a feeling the effects were slightly lessening by the 2 hour mark, though it might just be because the stress was greater then.

I still remained fairly chilled and happy after exiting the cinema, a full five hours after the initial dose. I almost felt like going for a wander around this largely quiet and deserted area of town.

Benzodiazepine Conclusions

I have tried Etizolam and various other/actual benzos.

(Pyrazolam I found useless as it made me unsteady but did not seem to kill anxiety at all. Diclazepam sort of helped, and I would probably try again if I didn’t have access to Etizolam. Flubromazepam I didn’t really try in high enough quantities, and also avoided due to it apparently having a several hour “come up” time and being extremely long lasting.)

I experimented primarily with Etizolam.

I find it a useful tool for major fear, especially when I have no need to go anywhere or perform any physical activity – perhaps visitors are coming and it’s okay for me to relax in a chair. I have used Etizolam multiple times since discovering them, to take the edge off of a stressful situation – most recently before a visit to the dentist.

Unfortunately the effects are nowhere near powerful enough for my requirements. At higher doses, my movements are impaired and I start falling over. I wouldn’t want to be in public or have to socialise on a strong dose. They are no magic solution and as a tool to help me seriously tackle my phobia or attempt any kind of exposure therapy I consider them useless. They simply do not take enough of the fear away, or make me want to socialise in any fashion.

I would love to try Xanax in the future, as some people consider it as one of the most effective benzos, being less tranquillising than others, but its illegality without a prescription is deterring me for now.

Chemical Adventures of a Socially Avoidant – Introduction

Hello,

I’m a little past my mid twenties and I live with my parents (actually, a parent). I am self employed and work online, doing techie stuff that does not require real time interaction with any other humans. I very rarely go out of the house; if I do, it’s for a non-social activity, such as countryside walking in a carefully chosen location where I am unlikely to come into too close contact with other humans.

I have no friends.

I’ve had no acquaintances of any sort for a decade, since I left high school. During university, a small kindly handful of other students made sporadic attempts at getting to know me: Friendly “Hellos” and polite questions from them were met with single word answers from me. (And I felt so bad. I’m sorry guys. You were so nice.) I spent most of the time between lectures in the libraries, and all other times as a shut-in in my room.

That was several years ago. I’m now back living at home, in some kind of limbo, never seeing others my age, spending my days trying to force myself to work through ever growing barriers of unmotivation, procrastination, and a mounting depression, spending my evenings lurking on internet forums and playing videogames alone.

I’m a social phobic, and this is my journal.

Talking to people scares me. I’m not good at it. I don’t really enjoy it, and never have. Which came first, the lack of desire, or the lack of ability? I’m not sure. I’m highly introverted, as well as having this extreme form of shyness. The one compounds the other. I’ve never wanted to socialise often, I wouldn’t even want more than one or two good friends – but the fear, and the resulting social incompetence, means I have none.

I can just about manage halting conversation in a one on one scenario with somebody I am familiar with – perhaps a friend of the family, introduced to me. But put me in a group, or with a stranger, and my mind blanks. I have nothing to say, and I say nothing. On a good day I can manage a benign smile. On a good day.

Let’s not even talk about making phone calls. (Let’s not talk at all!)

This all turns into avoidance; hence the title of this blog. I avoid these distressing situations as best as I can, in the same manner a normal person might avoid throwing themselves into the lion enclosure at the zoo. (Those lions do look hungry).

They say exposure is the best therapy – but I went through the school system without improving there. What gives? Lack of positive exposure, perhaps? A continued negative reinforcement? Other kids bullied and teased me for not talking. Or when I did talk, for speaking quietly and having a funny sounding voice. Days of sitting by myself in class, of being the kid that was never picked by others to be in a group, of sitting left alone when the teacher cheerfully announces to form pairs (and those pitying eyes – does the teacher ignore me and let me work alone? Do they put me in a pair themselves, with an unwilling other pupil, removed forcibly from their own friendly cluster to be with me?)

Exposure, such great therapy.

I could go on and on. Musings about the nature of social phobia, of avoidance, of introversion and the desires for companionship, of all the myriads of bad childhood experiences that took me to the place I am today. I was a sensitive and shy child, and the school system was a mad and crazy zoo. The lions got a hold of me; they chewed up and mangled me nicely. The monkeys had a good time too, such great entertainment! They chuckled and looked on gleefully. I recall I cried on my first day of school. It never got any better.

I’m in my twenties, I should have got over this by now, right?

I’m not sure I even want friends. Maybe just one or two, a fellow loner or weirdo to hang out with on occasion.

There is something I do want though: I want the fear to go. I want to be able to go out in public without a terror in my stomach, without feeling like everybody is watching and analysing my every move (and secretly laughing at me). I want to find the courage to move out of my parents house; to get an apartment of my own and to live independently. I want to grow wings and fly; and the difficulty seems the same.

I’ve decided to start this blog to document the various ways in which I have been trying to combat this “condition”. I’m no great writer, but I hope my experiences may help others even if they do not entertain. Most of my attempts are chemical in nature – specifically using a variety of prescription medications. Naturally, these have been ordered online and without consulting any form of qualified professional, as the prospect of actually discussing my issues with anybody is utterly terrifying, and thus avoided. I’ll also be using some less sensible and potentially risky (yet legally acquirable) “research chemicals”.

I should be in therapy, probably. But that’s scary. If I could force myself to do that, I could force myself to do all these other things too. I can’t. I won’t. (Such negative thinking! Think positive! Write positive! You can do it!)

So here I am, in the bedroom of my parent’s house, with a variety of not-medically-tested chemicals ordered from the shadier areas of the internet.

I have an enquiring mind, and a germ of a desire to conquer my fears. Will that be enough?

Let the adventures commence!*

* Adventuring not 100% guaranteed. Dry reports of experiences with tiny amounts of potentially mind altering substances are, however, very much to be expected.