Hello,
I’m a little past my mid twenties and I live with my parents (actually, a parent). I am self employed and work online, doing techie stuff that does not require real time interaction with any other humans. I very rarely go out of the house; if I do, it’s for a non-social activity, such as countryside walking in a carefully chosen location where I am unlikely to come into too close contact with other humans.
I have no friends.
I’ve had no acquaintances of any sort for a decade, since I left high school. During university, a small kindly handful of other students made sporadic attempts at getting to know me: Friendly “Hellos” and polite questions from them were met with single word answers from me. (And I felt so bad. I’m sorry guys. You were so nice.) I spent most of the time between lectures in the libraries, and all other times as a shut-in in my room.
That was several years ago. I’m now back living at home, in some kind of limbo, never seeing others my age, spending my days trying to force myself to work through ever growing barriers of unmotivation, procrastination, and a mounting depression, spending my evenings lurking on internet forums and playing videogames alone.
I’m a social phobic, and this is my journal.
Talking to people scares me. I’m not good at it. I don’t really enjoy it, and never have. Which came first, the lack of desire, or the lack of ability? I’m not sure. I’m highly introverted, as well as having this extreme form of shyness. The one compounds the other. I’ve never wanted to socialise often, I wouldn’t even want more than one or two good friends – but the fear, and the resulting social incompetence, means I have none.
I can just about manage halting conversation in a one on one scenario with somebody I am familiar with – perhaps a friend of the family, introduced to me. But put me in a group, or with a stranger, and my mind blanks. I have nothing to say, and I say nothing. On a good day I can manage a benign smile. On a good day.
Let’s not even talk about making phone calls. (Let’s not talk at all!)
This all turns into avoidance; hence the title of this blog. I avoid these distressing situations as best as I can, in the same manner a normal person might avoid throwing themselves into the lion enclosure at the zoo. (Those lions do look hungry).
They say exposure is the best therapy – but I went through the school system without improving there. What gives? Lack of positive exposure, perhaps? A continued negative reinforcement? Other kids bullied and teased me for not talking. Or when I did talk, for speaking quietly and having a funny sounding voice. Days of sitting by myself in class, of being the kid that was never picked by others to be in a group, of sitting left alone when the teacher cheerfully announces to form pairs (and those pitying eyes – does the teacher ignore me and let me work alone? Do they put me in a pair themselves, with an unwilling other pupil, removed forcibly from their own friendly cluster to be with me?)
Exposure, such great therapy.
I could go on and on. Musings about the nature of social phobia, of avoidance, of introversion and the desires for companionship, of all the myriads of bad childhood experiences that took me to the place I am today. I was a sensitive and shy child, and the school system was a mad and crazy zoo. The lions got a hold of me; they chewed up and mangled me nicely. The monkeys had a good time too, such great entertainment! They chuckled and looked on gleefully. I recall I cried on my first day of school. It never got any better.
I’m in my twenties, I should have got over this by now, right?
I’m not sure I even want friends. Maybe just one or two, a fellow loner or weirdo to hang out with on occasion.
There is something I do want though: I want the fear to go. I want to be able to go out in public without a terror in my stomach, without feeling like everybody is watching and analysing my every move (and secretly laughing at me). I want to find the courage to move out of my parents house; to get an apartment of my own and to live independently. I want to grow wings and fly; and the difficulty seems the same.
I’ve decided to start this blog to document the various ways in which I have been trying to combat this “condition”. I’m no great writer, but I hope my experiences may help others even if they do not entertain. Most of my attempts are chemical in nature – specifically using a variety of prescription medications. Naturally, these have been ordered online and without consulting any form of qualified professional, as the prospect of actually discussing my issues with anybody is utterly terrifying, and thus avoided. I’ll also be using some less sensible and potentially risky (yet legally acquirable) “research chemicals”.
I should be in therapy, probably. But that’s scary. If I could force myself to do that, I could force myself to do all these other things too. I can’t. I won’t. (Such negative thinking! Think positive! Write positive! You can do it!)
So here I am, in the bedroom of my parent’s house, with a variety of not-medically-tested chemicals ordered from the shadier areas of the internet.
I have an enquiring mind, and a germ of a desire to conquer my fears. Will that be enough?
Let the adventures commence!*
* Adventuring not 100% guaranteed. Dry reports of experiences with tiny amounts of potentially mind altering substances are, however, very much to be expected.
chemical adventures of a socially avoidant 