Struggle on, social phobics. Struggle on.

I haven’t been updating this blog.

I started writing with the idea of documenting the many different chemicals that I try on my social phobia journey.

The truth is, I’ve kind of given up on a chemical solution. I’ve come to believe there probably isn’t one.

I’ve been forcing myself to go out more. But that kind of exposure therapy is slow. And unpleasant. In some ways I may have improved, in others, I regress.

If I ever come close to “curing” my social phobia, I’ll write about it here. But I’m far less hopeful than when I started out. I think what’s probably needed is to throw myself in the deep end somewhere. To take to the road, go out into the world; a trial by fire. But that would be very unpleasant. Maybe one day I will find the courage.

Here’s a brief summary of some other substances I have tried, and discarded.

Methiopropamine (MPA) is a stimulant. A dose of about 5 – 6 mg increased my desire to “go out”. It put me near my best, in terms of motivation. When out for a walk, I felt less concerned about the gaze of other people upon me. On the negative side, a dose high enough to have any useful effect also gave an unpleasant feeling of being “wired”, a nervous energy as if I had too much adrenaline pumping around, and needed to get up and run around. Due to these negative feelings, along with reading about certain potential negative effects of stronger stimulants, I haven’t used this chemical much. The effects at this fairly low dose were minimally useful anyway.

AMT, alpha-methyltryptamine is some kind of psychedelic and stimulant, once a Soviet anti-depressant. Doses around 2 – 4 mg gave me increased talkativeness with my close family (this was quite interesting to experience having never tried a drug that gave that effect before). I found myself engaging and maintaining more conversation than usual. I found myself enjoying posting on internet forums more and feeling more engaged there too. Mild feelings of warmth towards these anonymous people. However, I don’t believe it gave me any increase in sociability among strangers while out and about, or any reduction in fear. At the higher dose of 4mg it felt like a mild benzo with a bit of head fuzziness, and some similar relaxation.

I don’t believe this gave me any genuine happiness though, despite its purported use once as an anti-depressant. Ultimately, the fuzziness at higher doses caused me to halt further experimentation. It’s something that might be useful at small doses while interacting with people I am already familiar with. I probably won’t use it again though.

Piracetam, no noticeable effects, I’m not sure this stuff is anything more than placebo effect and nootropic marketing. Admittably, I didn’t try it over a long period.

Kratom (“Sumatra/Indo White Vein”). Tasted awful and nearly made me sick just swallowing it. 1.5 teaspoons gave a slight feeling of being unsteady while walking, prickliness in the head, along with queasiness. I hate feeling sick so did not try any higher dose.

Phenibut. 2 grams over a few hours gave me a similar feeling to a mild benzo. Mild relaxation but also significant brain fog and unsteadiness on feet. Might be useful if benzos were ever unavailable. The negative effects mean it’s not really useful for me. (As with benzos, it seems a high enough dose to take away any significant amount of my fear would likely also incapacitate me.)

Modafinil. Narcolepsy drug, promoter of alertness. 50 – 100 mg taken EARLY in the morning. This is an interesting substance that really needs a post of its own. I tried it originally for reasons of motivation, lack of desire to work (perhaps due to mild depression). However, I found it does also have a small useful benefit for my social phobia. It seems to reduce unnecessary thoughts and mind wandering. Focusses the mind. A lot of social phobia is running through bad thoughts in your head. So, when going out and about I felt a little less fear. However the negative side of this is feeling slightly robot like. It doesn’t make you more sociable or interested in engaging with people, rather it makes you care less about the fact that you don’t engage with people.

So, an interesting substance. The effects, however, like all these substances, seem only slightly useful. Actually, what Modafinil is best for (and kills at) is what it is prescribed for: combating narcolepsy, that is, obliterating tiredness. Taking it fairly early in the morning one day I still often found myself struggling to sleep at 4am the next morning.

Another interesting effect is that it enables you to get through boring situations easier, somehow reducing the unpleasantness of boredom. I may use it in the future for this purpose. I’ve read that some people in very dull repetitive jobs have used it to help them get through the day. It’s not that it makes the boring situation more enjoyable, rather, it makes you more… robot-like. Focussed on the task at hand. Or, if there is no task, simply more focussed on the present moment, with less idle thoughts and mind wandering.

An end to my chemical adventures

I may not post again here. I’ve tried various substances, and most gave only mild beneficial effect, and at higher doses gave negative effects that far outweighed any benefits. With most substances, the negative effect is an amount of unsteadiness and drunkenness that prevents any useful functioning.

Propranolol is by far the most useful substance I’ve tried, as it gives a small reduction of blind fear while not dulling the mind or causing unsteadiness in any way. I’ll likely use benzos such as Etizolam very occasionally to dull the edge of any forced social situations. But neither of these are wonder drugs.

I have some other substances I considered trying; other legal stimulants and even more mind-altering type things. However, given my lack of success so far, and generally risk averse nature, I don’t think I’ll try any more.

On a really bad day, I do wonder what it might be like to trip on some psychedelic or fall down a K-hole. Maybe I’ll try such things one day. Some social phobics have credited substances like psilocybin mushrooms and LSD and MDMA as giving them life changing experiences. I’d particularly like to try MDMA, as the risks seem fairly modest, however I’m not going to risk purchasing any illegal substances at this time. (I already disposed of my tiny amount of AMT since it will shortly be made illegal here in the UK).

I’ll struggle on.

There will be bad days, and worse days, and really truly awful days, where I feel like a freak and a failure, a broken genetic experiment, a failed evolutionary pathway that should probably just accept itself as such and take the quick route out.

But for now, at least, I’ll struggle on.

Dear reader, if you have social phobia, have a virtual hug on me. And struggle on, too.